Overcoming the Fear of Public Speaking before my Crush Movement Speech
“Write from your soul, Essi.” Katja Presnal said, her eyes peering over her big black glasses. We were having a video meeting where we talked about our businesses and life. “It’s time, you know it. You cannot wait any longer. You are now visible.”
Every fiber of my being resonated with her words. My body, mind, and soul knew I was visible. I had stepped into visibility when I took the stage at Crush Movement with Jenni Demus and spoke about our soul mission: Women of Wonders. It was my debut as a speaker at a business conference, and every moment onstage felt natural, fun, easy, authentic, and effortless. I loved it, and I felt like I was shining on stage.
I was proud of myself. Over the past few years, I had focused on healing my tendency to run away, avoid, or hide in situations where I did not feel safe expressing or showing the real me. All due to the deep fear of rejection.
Now, finally, for the first time in my life, I was placing myself before anyone or anything else. I was visible to myself and others.
But..
Here comes the famous but…
Feeling embarrassed about what I had gone through, I had sworn to myself not to share this story, but I realized it was the story I had to tell.
Even if my authentic self shone at Crush Movement – no one knew what I had gone through less than 12 hours before our speech.
Feeling embarrassed about what I had gone through, I had sworn to myself not to share this story, but I realized it was the story I had to tell. Perhaps it would help someone else heal, too.
Just before we finished the meeting with Katja, I gathered myself and said, “I will publish the story about the night before Crush Movement.”
The night before our Crush Movement speech
The day before Crush Movement, Jenni and I checked into a hotel room to prepare mentally for the speaking gig. At 10 pm, we decided to go to bed. Both were relaxing and lying on Shakti spike mats, a tool we use for relaxation and stress relief. We discussed our speech for the next day, feeling ready to conquer it, and were prepared to drift off into a peaceful sleep by 11 pm. Jenni, fortunate enough, fell asleep immediately.
However, I found myself in an unfamiliar situation, wide awake. This was unusual for me, as I had always been able to fall asleep within five minutes, a trait I had carried since childhood.
My nervous system was on high alert, overly activated. My mind was a roller coaster, with all the words of the speech spinning. Luckily, I own a toolbox full of inner work tools to calm my body, mind, and soul. As I picked one of these relaxation techniques, a sense of relief washed over me, my body calmed down, and I fell asleep.
After 30 minutes of sleeping, I woke up. My body was aching from stress, and my nervous system was again overly activated. I started to calm my body again with the same relaxation technique, focusing on my breath; however, it did not work this time. The stress was too overwhelming, and my mind was too restless to respond to the technique.
It was now 1 am.
A sense of panic took over me. One by one, I started trying all the rest of the tools I knew had been calming my body and mind before:
- Body scan meditation
- Shakti mat
- Energy healing
- Angel healing
- Body therapy
- Visualization
- Vagus nerve relaxation techniques
- Inner child work
- Normal meditation
- Sleep sound meditation
- Grounding
- TRE
- Crying
- Breathwork
- Yoga
- Mindfulness
I was even counting sheep. Yep.
All of those techniques worked, but the stress kept coming back.
As the clock struck 3 am, bigger panic began to set in. I was acutely aware that I needed at least six hours of sleep to be at my best for the day ahead. Time seemed to be slipping away, with my phone’s clock ticking at an alarming speed. I had tried all my methods and tested every tool in my toolbox.
The only thing left was to meditate and surrender to what was happening.
The power of surrender
The more I surrendered to my situation, the deeper I got into what was happening within me. I noticed that I was terrified to be visible on stage. I did not feel safe and wanted to run away. But instead of packing my belongings and checking out of the hotel, I stayed with that awful feeling. I got deeper and deeper into it until, at 4 am, I faced the fear of death.
There it was, something we all carry within: the deep fear of survival, the fear of death.
As an intuitive energy healer, I knew that this was a juicy point to look deeper within and heal what needed to be healed—if I just dared.
I also knew I had to surrender to feeling my fear; nothing else couldn’t transform my situation. So, I did it with the confidence that this was not my first time facing my deep fears.
My body shook as I surrendered to feel and let go of this fear. I was anxious, nauseous, and felt weird. I saw myself alone, as a small girl in a big, scary world. I let go of all the visions and focused on feeling my body. I had moments like my mind would go crazy, but I kept returning to my breathing and feeling everything. I felt like I would not survive, which felt so bizarre, as I was in a safe hotel room near Jenni, who, by the way, was unaware of what I was going through. She was fully sleeping with her eye mask and earplugs on. Lucky woman!
God knows how long I was surrendering to feeling everything, but suddenly, I felt like the lights would have switched on within me. My energy was rising. It felt like I was in an elevator, and my energy was moving upward toward a different, beautiful location.I started feeling empowered and happy. A deep inner knowing within me told me that I would survive. This knowledge and change of energy made my nervous system calm down immediately. I fell asleep.
I was told that I was ready
After 1.5 hours of sleep, I woke up again—a new layer of stress was back in my body. Jenni was also awake and getting ready for breakfast. I burst into tears as I told her what I had gone through during the night. I was a mess, unprepared to be on stage after two hours of sleep and that deep inner journey I had gone through. I needed more sleep.
Jenni and I both did a small healing session for me. I then called my dad for help. (As a side note, he is a healer who has been training me to do energy healing since I was a teenager.) Finally, after all those healings, my energy became more balanced, but I could not sleep anymore.
I had to accept that I would get on stage with two hours of sleep. It didn’t feel easy, as I had been mentally preparing myself for my first moment on stage for a long time.
Now, I had ruined it.
Little did I know that the shift would happen soon: precisely fifteen minutes before I had to get up from bed.
As I was meditating, suddenly, I saw a vision of myself and heard a loving and safe voice saying:
“Essi, the work is now done. You are ready to be on stage.”
I then saw how a forgotten part of me, which looked like flowing, soft energy, was returning home toward me. I felt safe, empowered, and loved. As that energy integrated deeper within me, from the bottom of my heart and soul, I knew I was ready.
As I got up, I was surprised at how amazing I felt. My mind was clear. I had energy and felt confident, excited, and happy. I put on some make-up, got dressed, and left the hotel with Jenni.
Jenni was deeply sorry that she had not been able to help me more. She had needed to focus on her part, nurture her inner safety, and prepare for the possibility that she would take over my part on stage. I told her that I had gotten all the help I needed from her.
I had to go through it alone in the darkness - just me and my soul. There was no other way.
It was my journey of survival in the middle of the quiet night—a path I had been called to walk alone while she was asleep. I saw it now as a beautiful spiritual ritual to step into my new role as a speaker.
I had to go through it alone in the darkness – just me and my soul. There was no other way.
When I got on the stage 1.5 hours later, being me felt so effortless and liberating.
Heal with me for a sec.
My dear soul friend, look within your heart and soul and ask yourself: am I scared to be visible? If so, what am I afraid of?
I know what you are going through and I am here for you. Learn more about my 1:1 coaching.
The Authentic Success Column
In the Authentic Success Column, Essi Koski-Lammi shares her honest reflections on the journey of business and life, exploring the struggles and triumphs of being an entrepreneur and pioneer. Through raw insights and personal experiences, she discusses the challenges of balancing personal growth, professional success, and the pursuit of fulfillment. Essi delves into the realities of building a business while staying aligned with one’s true essence, creating spaces that nurture clarity, well-being, and success.
Essi Koski-Lammi
Essi Koski-Lammi is an Interior Designer, Intuitive Healer, and Inner Alignment Coach with over 20 years of experience in energy work. She guides purpose-driven women and businesses to reconnect with their authentic essence through inner alignment coaching, strategic business channeling, and conscious interior design. Essi’s mission is to create harmony and beauty in both inner and outer spaces, allowing clarity, success, and well-being to flow naturally.
