What is inner child work and how to heal your inner child?
An inner child is your child self that carries the purest form of child-like joy and wonder. But, unfortunately, it also carries all the pain, unmet needs and trauma you experienced as a child, even when nothing traumatic happened in your childhood. I always see an abandoned or wounded inner child in my coaching & healing sessions for my clients, and that's why I want to write about the topic and offer you the tools so that you can start healing your inner child.
Inner child work or inner child healing is an extremely powerful – and relatively easy – technique of self-healing. It is a loving method that accesses the subconscious mind where your negative core beliefs and unmet childhood (attachment) needs are located. Your adult self is responsible for nurturing your inner child with love, safety and attention so that all the needs your parents could not fill in your childhood are given now to you.
How does your inner child get wounded?
During the first years of your life, your brain functions differently than the adult brain, and you see and experience the world differently than adults. Your subconscious mind starts to suck everything in – from a child’s perspective – without any filter. You create an attachment to your caregivers that is either secure (secure attachment) or insecure (anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant attachment), which will affect all of your intimate relationships in the future. Because your intimate relationships will remind you of the attachment of your caregivers.
The biggest fear of any inner child is the fear of rejection; thus, your inner child most likely has put up many walls to protect him/her from experiencing rejection. Unfortunately, these walls create false safety. For example, suppose your mother was struggling with her life and not giving you enough attention but attached herself to you in your childhood. In that case, you might have felt as a kid that only love that is constantly physically present but emotionally distant is real and safe: distance is not safe and means rejection. That can mean that as an adult, a romantic relationship triggers your unmet needs (as a child, fears and you attach yourself to your romantic partners and will not allow them to have any space as you fear them leaving and abandoning you, just like your mom emotionally rejected you and your needs.
Or, for example, if your dad was always traveling for work and had to leave you for days, as a child, you did not understand what a work trip meant and why he left you. Instead, you felt your dad did not want to be with you, and he rejected you because of that. That made you create a belief that “I am not wanted.” So as an adult, you might be drawn to partners who constantly reject you as they do not want you.
Beliefs, such as “I am not wanted,” “I am not loved,” “I am not safe,” “I don’t matter,” etc., that were created in your childhood, will direct your entire life, without you knowing it. You end up in situations that boost these beliefs and confirm them to be true. (Even if they actually are not true at all!). Unless you consciously access your subconscious mind, heal and transform these beliefs. Once you change them, you heal your attachment wounds, your relationships, and your entire life transforms. And you can do that by nurturing your inner child.
How to heal your inner child?
Nurturing and healing your inner child will take repetition and time. But, if you consciously take the time to do it when you are not triggered, it will help you do the work when your inner child trauma gets triggered. And trust me, the time will come when you see, feel, and know that the inner child is healed and happy. Then, the attachment will not trigger you anymore. Your surroundings are changing because from that inner transformation, the outer transforms. So how can you heal your inner child?
First you need to know that you can nurture your inner child in different situations:
A. when your inner child gets triggered (e.g., fighting/arguing with the closest people to you, pushing emotionally loved ones away, not wanting to be physically close to your romantic partner, feeling suffocated in relationships, or feeling uneasy within and not knowing why, etc.)
B. when you would like to work on yourself and understand better your inner child without anything triggering you at that moment.
Then second, the inner child work has four parts, but point 2 is sometimes tricky and can be skipped:
- Check-in with your body and mind
- Figure out where it comes from
- Figure out what you need
- Give yourself what you need
The method is the same for both scenarios (A & B), but the situation where it happens is not, so that is why I will separate them.
A. When your inner child gets triggered
Usually, your wounded inner child will take over your body and mind when it gets triggered. And at the beginning, it will be difficult to acknowledge that your inner child needs nurturing. That is why you should start to study yourself and curiously pay attention to: What triggers you? How do you behave and talk when you get triggered? How do you feel in those situations?
So that in the future, you can be aware of your inner child and step into nurturing him/her. This is how to do it:
– When you get triggered, take a step back.
– Find safety within you. What part of your body feels safe right now? Know that this is your anchor where you can return when you do not feel safe.
– Feel your body. Where do you feel tense energy? Bring your hands to that part of your body and focus on that part. How do you feel? Feel, listen, see, acknowledge, accept, forgive.
– In your mind, ask your inner child to appear. You might see or feel him/her – if not, that is normal. Then imagine that inner child to be in front of you. Have a conversation with your inner child and ask what else is your inner child feeling right now. Allow all thoughts, beliefs, and emotions to surface. Know that you are safe. If you feel unsafe, focus on that part of your body where the safety locates.
You can also ask if your inner child knows where these thoughts, beliefs, and emotions are coming from.
– The most important question you need to ask after acknowledging your inner child is: What do you need? Then, allow the answer to arrive and accept whatever it is.
– Then nurture the inner child. So within your imagination or inner knowing, take that inner child into your arms. See your adult self hugging this inner child and giving him/her what is needed, e.g., tell yourself, “All is well, I am here for you. You are safe. You are safe. You are loved.” etc. At this point, you can also hug yourself or pet yourself. Nurture your inner child as long as needed. If you want to cry, cry.
– At this point, your energy starts to change, and you calm down. You can stop nurturing yourself when you feel better and calm.
b. When you would like to work on yourself and meet your inner child
– Find a comfy space to meditate and play some relaxing music. Close your eyes.
– Always ask your spirit guides, angels or the Universe to protect you.
– Find safety within your body. Scan through your body and determine which part of your body feels safe today and trusting. Focus on that part and feel how good and safe it makes you feel. You can and should ALWAYS return to this spot when you feel unsafe.
– State your intention: I want to nurture my inner child / I want to understand the needs of my inner child / I want to know the unmet needs that affect my relationship with my partner.
– Feel your body. Where do you feel tense energy? Bring your hands to that part of your body and focus on that part. How do you feel?
– In your mind, ask your inner child to appear. You might see or feel him/her – if not, that is normal. Then imagine that inner child to be in front of you. Have a conversation with your inner child and ask how does your inner child feel? Allow all thoughts, beliefs, and emotions to surface. Know that you are safe. If you feel unsafe, focus on that part of your body, where the safety locates.
You can also ask if your inner child knows where these thoughts, beliefs, and emotions are coming from. Listen. Feel. See. Acknowledge. Accept. Forgive.
– The most important question you need to ask after acknowledging your inner child is: What do you need? Then, allow the answer to arrive and accept whatever it is.
– Then nurture the inner child. So within your imagination or inner knowing, take that inner child into your arms. See your adult self hugging this inner child and giving him/her what is needed, e.g., tell yourself, “All is well, I am here for you. You are safe. You are safe. You are loved.” etc. At this point, you can also hug yourself or pet yourself. Nurture your inner child as long as needed. If you want to cry, cry.
– At this point, your energy starts to change, and you calm down. You can stop nurturing yourself when you feel better and calm.
– Thank the angels, Universe, etc., for their support, and open your eyes.
Technically it is relatively easy to do the inner child work, especially when you know your unmet needs. However, you will be experiencing lots of fears, difficult emotions, and thoughts when you nurture your inner child. That is why many people want to find a healer, therapist, or coach with whom to work on healing the inner child. I also have worked on my inner child healing with a coach and now help others heal their inner children in my 1:1 Self-Love & Coaching Sessions.
Essi Koski-Lammi
Essi Koski-Lammi is an Inner Alignment Coach, Intuitive Healer, Channeler, and Interior Designer who started studying energy work and life coaching over 20 years ago. Now, she helps New Earth Creators create a conscious lifestyle to find their way home to themselves and unleash their true nature for life without limits. In her approach, she also brings her interior design skills into play, helping her clients create a home aligned with heart and soul.
